Why Must I Cling?

July 7, 2020

Often, I feel like a defective product. Why defective? Well, because nobody ever seems to really want me around. It just feels like I am too much. Perhaps this is why I choose to cling to those who decide to stick around, making me a bit of a smotherer, or maybe I just haven't learned to radically accept that some people just weren't meant to be in my life for very long? Yeah, that sounds more accurate.

It's difficult for me to let go, but sometimes not letting go is even more painful, especially when you don't trust yourself to be in a clear state of mind to do so. For me, however, it's a bit of being scared that if I do let go that's when they'll start to care about me, realize they love me and do want me in their life, or that they need more than they thought. Then, I'll start to feel bad (but also good about myself cause hey! it means that they do care!) and decide to stick around anyway. So far, that hasn't really happened yet.

Why Cling?

I'm not sure, but here I am writing this somewhat scattered blog post hoping that it may provide me with some sort of insight during or after the process. So, I'll start with this list of reasons why I most likely cling, in no particular order.

1. I am terrified of losing people.

2. Can't imagine my life without them -- In the moment, it's really hard.

3. The concept of letting people go seems like such a tortoreous, frightening concept. I don't want anyone to say goodbye. I need them to stay.

4. I've yet to accept that letting go is a part of life, not everyone is meant to be a part of our lives forever.

5. It would hurt to see them move on, forget about me and find someone else -- as if I never happened to them.

6. I think it's my last chance of finding true friendship or love. This is the only chance I'm ever going to get.

7. I think I'm quite egotistical and selfish in the sense that sometimes I know letting go can be healthy for all the individuals involved, but I don't want to cause, again, I want them in my life no matter what.

8. I wouldn't know who I am without them. My life would be boring, empty, and unfilled.

9. No one's ever going to want me again.

These nine reasons don't even begin to cover it all, but it's a start. Obviously I feel bad for containing such an intense fear of losing people, of letting go, and moving on with my life. I guess there's this little girl inside me who is so used to people leaving she does what she can to get everyone to stay from now on, but she, as well as I, have to learn to radically accept that people have their own lives. They get to choose as much as we do in terms of who gets to stay and who has to go. The world doesn't revolve around us, little girl.