Now that I am single and choosing to no longer actively seek relationships online, I find myself being alone more than I ever been in a long time. I've been lonely, but never alone. It's not that I don't have friends I can talk to, I just don't care to. I do not have it in me to create conversation with others, much less try to make new friends and get to know them. Reality I have come to face is I don't know who I am so how can I expect to be happy in my relationships with others when not even I know what I want, what my true values are, or what I actually believe in and am passionate about? It eats at me so much, it really does. I spent so much time trying to find somebody to love, to accept me as I am (without ever needing to change), and to be the answer to all my problems that I completely forgot all about myself.
Before ever getting into any serious relationships, I remember being a slightly ambitious fourteen year old teenager. I loved bands like Pierce The Veil, Escape The Fate, and Korn. I dressed in skinny jeans, converse, and a band tee. I didn't have any friends or family. I didn't have much of anyone actually... but I knew I had my goals, which were to graduate high school two years earlier, study in a practical field, and one day leave the state of Arizona -- the whole country, actually -- and move abroad to somewhere like France, England or Canada! I wanted to go to university and use my time in education to study abroad and see some of the world. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely depressed, anxious, and angsty, as well as, supremely lonesome.. but I had a plan. I possessed a sense of direction. Nothing was going to stop me.
Until I fell in love for the first time and developed unhealthy, destructive patterns which would go on to establish a toxic cycle within myself and my future relationships. It ranged from excessive lying, making up stories, manipulation, the list goes on and on. I am not proud of it, but I can't go back in time and choose to do better right then and there, but I also can't deny that things need to change. In some ways, it has gotten better but in other ways it has also gotten much, much worse. Through every failed, short- lived and intense relationship, I just bits and pieces of me. I was 100% willing to toss away anything about me that the other person didn't like, or any goals I had that didn't support the relationships outcome. So, what exactly did I give up? Everything. I lost everything and it cost me to lose myself so much that now I don't know who I am or what exact;y it is I truly want.I won't have it all figured out in one day. Not even within a few months or a year. Though I suppose I can start right here, right now.
Due to privacy reasons, I won't give you my full name but I go by silly goose 'cause I am somehow almost always making a clumsy fool out of myself! I can be quite sarcastic and bratty sometimes. I try to be funny, which sometimes fails though I tend to make many people in my life laugh and I love it (I know! I should be a comedian, huh?). I suppose it's because I am so sad and I never want anyone to see what's wrong (yeah, I suck at allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with others) so I mask it with a sense of humor which may or may not occassionally offend some people. I like to think, despite being a flawed individual, that I have my redeeming qualities. I might be awkward when it comes to touch or being caring towards others, but if I were brave enough, I'd run towards my loved ones and give them a hug. I am a cat person. I want to see the world and hopefully move abroad one day. I'd want a job that provides me with a sense of security and fulfillment, allowing me to feel comfortable and safe. Occasionally, I love a good film. Television has all of me, however. I love my T.V. My seriousness and maturity is something I need to work on, I am aware, but I am also never going to stop being childlike and goofy. As adorable and upbeat I make myself seem, those close to me know I am extremelely depressed and constantly thinking. Thus, I am more morose and insecure than I let on. I love music that is sad and raw. I love, love, love my rock music. I love it all. I am big on cookies, coffee, and s'mores. As you've gathered by now, I am an intense personality.
This can make me out a little bit too much for some people, and that's ok. I have to be willing to accept that there are some people I'm just never going to click with, and it's not always because I'm worthless or not good enough. Sometimes, you just aren't someone's cup of tea. This isn't to be taken as an excuse to never change or improve specific traits that I have - We all have tinkering to do! But I guess it does help when you find someone you are willing to gracefully change for, not because they want you to or because there is something wrong with you, but because you see this is an area where you can benefit from growing. Now, if someone is like, "Well I don't like x about you so if you don't change into y why I am going to leave you." Now I don't know the entire story but if you have to ask someone to change or if you have to change just to keep someone then it's safe to say that perhaps you require a re-evaluation of the situation. Be sure to always go with your gut.
So yeah, I guess this is who I am for now and I am still trying to figure out the rest, but I know it's going to take some time and all I can do is to never give up on myself again. I am worth it even if I don't necessarily believe in myself right now, I know one day I will. I just got to be sure to never make someone else my world again -- at least not to the point that I forget I am the sun.