For as long as I can remember, I have been addicted to the idea of love. As a matter of fact, I craved it so much that I completely forgot about myself, compromising my own individuality and desires. Now that I think back on it, I can't help but to feel gross about the entire thing. I suppose I have matured to where I no longer feel glitter explode inside my stomach, but I still tend to obsess over my ex's. I check their social media and their online activity. I still feel a whole lot of insecurity when it comes to comparing myself to their previous ex's and I suppose this is where the whole love addiction comes into place. I crave something I do not feel deserving of and I create such intense, extreme self-fulfilling prophecies about my relationships that they actually come true. Thus, confirming I will never have the thing I want most.
I am just so sick and tired of grasping for 'love kernels' (thank you for the awesome analogy, Rachel Bloom!) from people who clearly do not care to give me any time in their day. I am tired of trying to get people who don't want me, to love me back. I am tired of seeking so much external validation and acceptance from others, especially from my ex's. I suppose it's because I don't know I am without them, but I guess it's also about scared of being alone. Scared of being forever someone who is so easy to abandon.
As stated in the video clip above (from the CW's original series, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), relationships are incredibly difficult for me. Admittedly, the old me would have quickly found somebody else to fall into, just to escape the pain of being alone, but I have learned that being with somebody else won't cure me of the insecurities I have about myself nor the pain and constant anxiety of what my partner is doing, who they're with, where they are at, or why they haven't even responded to my texts yet. I wish I wasn't the way I am. I really do, but when you've been taught to believe that you are worthless, ugly, and -- as one of my ex's oh-so-politely said -- 'too much of a mess', you begin to wonder if there will ever be anyone out there who can accept me as I am, demons and all. Above all, however, I question if love and romance is ever going to be something I can truly experience without my trauma and past forever taunting me, influencing me to self-sabotage and destroy any chances I have of happiness.
I just want to be someone worth loving.